There's Something About Mary Sue
by Enlee
Summary: Dr. House meets the perfect Mary Sue. Canon Schmanon, this is True Love. Oh, by the way, this is a Parody! Oneshot Please Read and Review!


She walked into the conference room in the middle of a differential diagnosis and everyone stared. She was blonde with blue eyes, long legs, flawless skin and perky breasts. Her perfect size six figure strode up to House and held out her hand.

"Hello, you must be Dr. House," she said, her perfect white teeth gleaming under the lights. "I'm Dr. Mary Sue Impeccable Utopia Jones, the newest member of your team."

"Really?" he questioned, shaking her perfect hand, though he was already thinking _Wowza, this chick is HOT!_ _I'm already in love with her even though I've known her for approximately three seconds._ "That's strange. I don't remember hiring you."

"Dr. Cuddy hired me," the nauseatingly perfect woman explained. "She saw how my resume was unequaled to any other resume on Earth and hired me on the spot. Then after she realized that she wasn't a lesbian and couldn't fall head over heals in love with me, not that I'd blame her if she did, she sent me over to you, figuring you needed to get laid. If I ride you like a Harley motorcycle every night, maybe you'll calm down and stop terrorizing everyone. Plus you'll save some money on all those hookers."

"That's Dr. Cuddy, always wanting what's best for me." House smiled at the gorgeous, flawless, immaculate member of the female species in front of him. "So tell me, Dr. Mary Sue, what is your specialty?"

She exclaimed, "All of them! I majored in everything at Harvard Medical School and still managed to graduate first in my class after a single semester because I'm so brilliant! I minored in wood shop, volunteer at the old age home, take in foster kittens, grow my own vegetables, single-handedly built an orphanage in Somolia, recycle all my paper and plastics, and performed an emergency appendectomy on the customer in front of me at the Starbucks this morning. He was so grateful that he paid for my coffee! Pope Benedict the XVI has already decided to make me a Saint. That's what a perfect angel I am."

"Boy, she is good," Foreman said. "I might as well quit being a doctor and go back to my life of crime, since I pale in comparison. Get it, House? _Pale_, because I'm _black_! Hardy har har!."

"Yes, you all might as well find other work," Mary Sue said, turning to the other doctors. "I'm so perfect that I will take over anyway and start telling everyone what to do, including Dr. House."

"Sorry, darling," House said with regret. "It isn't possible to get rid of them right now."

"Why not?" the Supreme Sue asked.

"The Fox Network won't let them out of their contracts for another year or so."

"Oh well," Mary Sue, Perfection Incarnate, said. "I'm sure we'll all get along just fine since I don't have a single fault to speak of. Dr. House, are you in love with me yet?"

"Of course, my sweet angel!" He got down on one knee. "Oh dearest Mary Sue, if I had known you were walking into my life and into my heart today, I would have stopped and bought the tackiest ring in the world on the way over here. But still, will you marry me, even thought I'm a crippled, cranky, misanthropic, drug-addicted, merciless prick who is thoroughly despised by 99.9 percent of humanity?"

"Of course!" she squealed in delight. "Oh, Dr. House?"

"Yes, my sweet, sweet angel?"

"What's your first name?"

"Gregory! Oh sweetheart, this is the happiest moment of my life. I can't wait until we get married and have loads of perfect Sue Spawn and give them all ridiculous names."

Cuddy magically appeared in the doorway. "Has he agreed to marry you, Dr. Mary Sue?"

"Yes."

"Good. Maybe now he'll stop drooling over my Ya-Ya Sisterhoods and stop staring at my ass."

Cuddy disappears from doorway.

"It's settled. I'm getting married." House beamed proudly. "I'm off the market, Cameron. You can stop lusting after my super sexy body now."

"Well, I don't really have a choice. How can I possibly compete with the Mary Sue?" Cameron said. "Besides, if I want some sex, all I have to do is snap my fingers and Chase will come running over like a puppy dog."

"Hey!" Chase scowled. "I resent that."

"Wanna have sex tonight?" Cameron smiled sweetly at the Australian.

"Sure," he agreed without missing a beat. "Meet me at my place. Don't forget the chocolate syrup and handcuffs."

"Chase," House began. "You're going to be my Best Man."

Foreman frowned. "Why can't I be your Best Man?"

"Because you're black," the diagnostician declared.

"_Wait_!" Dr. James Wilson cried from the doorway. "Why can't I be your Best Man?"

"Because you're Jewish."

"But, House, you can't get married to this Sue," Wilson said. "Haven't you read all those slash fics and all those PWP's? You're in love with _me_. We're Teh Ghey and we're proud!"

House looked deep into Mary Sue's perfect eyes. "But my darling is so wonderful and special that I have renounced whatever gayness I may have had. We're getting married tomorrow."

"For crying out loud, House, wake up!" Wilson shouted. "She's probably just a damn wish-fulfilling self-insert who doesn't even bother to actually watch the show!"

House gasped. "Oh my God, I never thought of that. Mary Sue, are you a self-insert?"

"Of course not, dearest," the gag-inducing not self-insert said. "The author of this story has short red hair, wears glasses, and takes Prozac to control her mood swings–"

"That's all I needed to hear," House declared, sweeping his darling sweetheart honeybunch babycake turtledove valentine beloved treasure into his arms. "I thank the Lord for creating such a wonderful angel."

"Aren't you an Atheist?" Foreman asked.

"Not anymore! Thanks to the perfect love of Mary Sue, I have brought Jesus into my heart–"

"Good grief," Chase moaned and rolled his eyes. "If this gets any more syrupy I'm going to get a cavity."

"–and all I ever really needed and wanted was someone to love me with a special, perfect love. Isn't that right, my dear Mary Sue?"

"Right, my darling Gregory."

"Oh no, I've lost my boyfriend to a Sue," Wilson cried. "And I'm so lonely after all my divorces. Whatever will a handsome single doctor who can bed any man or woman he wants like me do now?"

"Well, Dr. Wilson," the All-Knowing Sue spoke up. "Dr. Cuddy is single and she's Jewish, too!"

"That's right!" Wilson turns and makes a beeline for Cuddy's office.

"Let's go, Mary Sue," House said. "I need to get your ring and you need to pick out the whitest, frilliest dress out there as a symbol of your absolute purity, and don't forget to pick out the perfect church."

"But, Dr. House," Cameron said. "What about our patient? He's spiking a fever, is covered head to toe with open sores and is bleeding out of every orifice."

Mary Sue listened to the list of symptoms Cameron presented, then glanced at the rest of the symptoms listed on the white board. "It's Lupus," she declared perfectly.

"Of course!" Chase smacked his forehead in disgust. "Thank God the brilliant Sue is here because we're too damn stupid to do our jobs anymore."

"Come on, everyone. The sick and dying patients can wait." House started towards the door, his darling Sue in tow, just like the good little Sue she is. "The world now revolves the future Dr. Mrs. Mary Sue Impeccable Utopia House!"

And they lived perfectly ever after.

–The End.


End file.
